Getting to Know You

Once upon a time a girl grew into a young woman. She was 13. Hormones were beckoning her to a new realization of who she was becoming. Not fully known or understood, of course. But a beckoning to a new reality just the same. Watching her friends of similar age she also knew somehow, someway, she was different. Words did not easily come to her for describing the differentness. But she knew difference was present.

As school activities and demands increased inner urges surfaced. They felt good somehow but confusing. They were ill-defined.

Social life picked up, parties were given by friends, and kids were having fun and talking with one another. Some experimented with vocabulary. Some tried new fads in clothing and food. Others tried beer and cigarettes. The more daring visited the drug scene.

Experimentation led to other forms of the same and physical interactions were explored. Not exactly sex but perhaps sex play?

Still unknown feelings were present from all of the above. Not all experimentation was engaged. But the environment was abuzz. And our young woman was perplexed.

Might her friends feeling similarly? Could she talk to them about this? Or would this blow their minds and drive them away from her?

Instead she did her own research and explored the internet for information. Eventually she explored new words and terms. She began to understand she was feeling a sexual awakening. From that she learned what the usual responses were. Physical and sexual development norms were provided on knowledgeable websites. She could trust these resources. She explored further.

One day she landed on a discussion panel program in which kids her age were discussing coming of age issues. This included sexual feelings and behavior. The discussion was frank. Attraction of a sexual nature was freely discussed. Boys were interested in girls. Girls were interest in boys. Curiosity on how this could play out were also shared. Behavior standards and consequences were discussed. The kids were creating a shared experience that opened a whole new realization for our young woman.

The panel discussion touched on the topic of homosexual development. Boy on boy and girl on girl attractions were intimated. Labels were provided.  And our young lady revamped her research.

It didn’t take long. She realized she was likely a gay teen. Not a definitive realization; there was no physical experimentation to prove that yet. Yet. The girl shuddered. She didn’t know where to go with this and yet she had to know.

At last she approached her mother who quickly pulled in her dad. Together the three came to an understanding that the young lady was most likely same sex oriented. It turns out her parents had inklings their daughter might be gay so were not surprised when the subject surfaced.

Her mom suggested she talk this over with her friends. How to proceed with this phase was not easy to decide. Soon, however, she decided to text her ten best friends about her situation.

The results were not great but not a nightmare, either. Three or four stuck with her; the rest ditched her. The latter were vague but they alluded to religious beliefs and backed away from her. The other three or four were willing to respond to her need to discuss the issues. A tentative beginning toward a new understanding of life was underway.

All of the above happened to a friend of my 13 year old granddaughter. It was her friend that contacted her about being gay. My granddaughter stepped up and assured her support of her friend. She also talked with her mom (my daughter) and together we three discussed it the other day.

We all agreed that 13 was an early age to make any commitment to understanding the self in such an important dimension. And untested at that! But at least we realized that a young person in today’s social fabric is able to manage exploration of sexual orientation in an environment of openness and health.

It was not so in my day. There were no words or terms available to even know, discuss or research such feelings. And when eventually faced after decades of wondering and finally experimentation, I was able to realize I was gay even in my early youth. I have memories at age 5, 6 and 7. I knew I was different then. It only became evident in my teens, but social acceptance of homosexuality was not present. It was a taboo. And so I became hidden, secretive and ashamed.

By the age of 37 I realized unmistakably that I was gay. By that time I was married with kids and a meaningful career. I didn’t want to lose any of those parts of my life. They were all dear to me. By the time I was 50, however, my wife had been denied too much and we agreed on divorce.

At 50 I could come of age! And I did.

Our young woman of 13 has a head start. With a social environment opening to multiple sexual orientations, she is most likely to experience a full and rich life with a healthy sexuality. She should be able to grow up fully integrated with who she is in all of her dimensions.

How healthy is that? How wonderful for her and her family and friends.

For those who do not understand, they are not trying. They are not loving. They are not spiritually anchored. Best they do some research and get with it.

For me I’m feeling pretty proud right about now. Imagine! Two generations removed from my upbringing and the progress is building.

Hallelujah!

December 16, 2014