Friday, August 29, 2014

Hank - A Guy I know


Hank stuttered his way through the lunch meeting. His conversation was halting and unrelated to central topics. Rambling and bouncing from idea to idea would be a better description of his demeanor. I fed him relevant bits and pieces to tie phrases together and develop broader themes to the communication. But it was an effort on my part.

What was he trying to tell me? That was the key thought in my head throughout the ordeal. And an ordeal it was.

It turned out that Hank was sharing a mother lode of personal problems, all of which he wanted help to handle. The list of ‘issues’ was great.  Where to start?

First, he started and ended each day with Tylenol or aspirin. Was this an addiction, he wondered? Next, he outlined his daily routines – the most personal ones! – almost as obsessions. The morning toilet routine, shaving, teeth cleaning, pills to take and shower. Followed by dressing routines and all the rest. Obsessive compulsive disorder was the core of his telling me this. Was it normal to follow these routines each and every day?

And that was just the morning. There was the meal routine, the mid-day toilet regime, the afternoon exercise program worked into his work and study routines. Then there was the evening meal, the kitchen clean up protocol, the evening toilet routine and the undressing and going to bed schedule he followed to the T each and every time.

Obsessive compulsive? Or a self prescribed practice to fight attention deficit disorder (ADD)? It sounded more like ADHD (attention deficit hyperactive disorder). Or a combination of the two? And just who was I to make this observation as a diagnosis? I had no training whatsoever in these fields. 

This was a friend in need sharing his problems with me. Simple as that; but really?

Hank went on to tell me that his routine did include consumption of alcohol. At first it was not everyday drinking but lately it had taken a pattern of daily drinking, sometimes to excess by bedtime. Was he becoming an alcoholic? he asked! Yet another issue.

But wait there was yet another ‘issue’ to be shared: he thought about sex quite a lot but didn't do anything about it.  I mean, he made it clear that he was titillated by the idea of sex in many different manners, but he did not do anything to satisfy it.  He wondered if he was asexual or perhaps sexually dysfunctional?

And then there was his work. He hated it. He did as he was asked by his boss and his clients. He worked hard on their assignments and completed them on time. He hated the pressure of deadlines, yet he accepted the fact that he would underperform if he didn't have the discipline of deadlines. At the core of the work, though, he did not like the tasks. The work did not feed his interests one iota. He wanted to think about other matters that spoke to world issues and improving quality of life for millions of people.  He just thought that way.

So now I’m dealing with a sexually dysfunctional, possible alcoholic with ADD and possibly ADHD, an obsessive compulsive, with hate syndromes related to work. And now I add Utopian thinker, or possibly a visionary to be more charitable?

Hank is a friend. He is good looking, usually calm, insightful, normally a great conversationalist, he enjoys sharing music and literature with me, and we spend quality time in each other’s company. But he is exhausting at times! Surely you see why?!

To my knowledge Hank has a stellar academic record from kindergarten through high school, college and a master’s degree at a fine university. He earns a good income and avoids debt at nearly every turn. He drives a mundane car, dresses casually and without fanfare of style, and lives in a modest apartment close to public transportation that he uses to get to work. He is able to work from home much of the time, however, which gives him the opportunity to indulge in his exercise and toilet routines mentioned earlier.

Hank is 32, never married (of course!) and his parents and siblings live spread out on both coasts while he lives in Chicago. Very little family interaction has been reported to me by him. Besides me, however, I have learned of very few close friends he spends time with on a regular basis. So, perhaps we add ‘loner’ to the catalog of descriptors of him?

This information he has shared with me directly. I could add more detailed information but this would be based on my personal observation and experience with Hank.  Such as, his interest in music – mostly classical with an emphasis on the baroque, loves organ music in general, is partial to Italian opera arias, and has a special thing for choral music, again mostly classical.

Hank avoids live or recorded opera performances. He has attended a few but never felt a return visit was necessary. He does get a kick out of Broadway musicals performed live on stage. He likes the glitter (he says) but especially loves the vocals, choruses and dance routines. To my knowledge he has never attended a ballet performance, or any other kind of dance recital either.

Regarding literature he requires a steady diet of well written detective novels, but reads steadily the old classics. He dutifully wallows through Bronte and Jane Austen classics, but also likes Defoe and other early English writers. He has never strayed to foreign writers that I am aware of. He occasionally tests the waters of non-fiction but never on ideological or political topics. Historical themes, yes; and that will cover important thinkers and politicians of centuries past.

He seems to be a renaissance man – thinking on major themes of the intellect and trying to place these themes in logical order or symbiosis. How do they fit together? What do they mean when taken all together? Yes, this is Hank.

Quite a bit of background on one individual, don’t you think? And what kind of person do you take him to be? Does his type interest you? Do you wish to be his friend? Would you take him at face value – what you see is what you get? – or would you try to ‘fix’ him?

He remains an enigma to me because of that last question.  Who am I to fix anyone? Acceptance of the whole person is a gift I think. It allows us to value life more fully and to value our inner spaces as well. We have the Hanks of the world to help us see ourselves more clearly.

Neither Hank nor I are right or wrong. We are just two people in search of sharing meaningful time together.

And that’s not a bad thing!

August 29, 2014


PS: More about Hank in the future!

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