Hank stuttered his way through the lunch meeting. His
conversation was halting and unrelated to central topics. Rambling and bouncing
from idea to idea would be a better description of his demeanor. I fed him
relevant bits and pieces to tie phrases together and develop broader themes to
the communication. But it was an effort on my part.
What was he trying to tell me? That was the key thought in
my head throughout the ordeal. And an ordeal it was.
It turned out that Hank was sharing a mother lode of
personal problems, all of which he wanted help to handle. The list of ‘issues’
was great. Where to start?
First, he started and ended each day with Tylenol or
aspirin. Was this an addiction, he wondered? Next, he outlined his daily
routines – the most personal ones! – almost as obsessions. The morning toilet
routine, shaving, teeth cleaning, pills to take and shower. Followed by
dressing routines and all the rest. Obsessive compulsive disorder was the core
of his telling me this. Was it normal to follow these routines each and every
day?
And that was just the morning. There was the meal routine,
the mid-day toilet regime, the afternoon exercise program worked into his work
and study routines. Then there was the evening meal, the kitchen clean up
protocol, the evening toilet routine and the undressing and going to bed
schedule he followed to the T each and every time.
Obsessive compulsive? Or a self prescribed practice to fight
attention deficit disorder (ADD)? It sounded more like ADHD (attention deficit
hyperactive disorder). Or a combination of the two? And just who was I to make
this observation as a diagnosis? I had no training whatsoever in these
fields.
This was a friend in need sharing his problems with me. Simple
as that; but really?
Hank went on to tell me that his routine did include
consumption of alcohol. At first it was not everyday drinking but lately it had
taken a pattern of daily drinking, sometimes to excess by bedtime. Was he
becoming an alcoholic? he asked! Yet another issue.
But wait there was yet another ‘issue’ to be shared: he
thought about sex quite a lot but didn't do anything about it. I mean, he made it clear that he was
titillated by the idea of sex in many different manners, but he did not do
anything to satisfy it. He wondered if
he was asexual or perhaps sexually dysfunctional?
And then there was his work. He hated it. He did as he was
asked by his boss and his clients. He worked hard on their assignments and
completed them on time. He hated the pressure of deadlines, yet he accepted the
fact that he would underperform if he didn't have the discipline of deadlines.
At the core of the work, though, he did not like the tasks. The work did not
feed his interests one iota. He wanted to think about other matters that spoke
to world issues and improving quality of life for millions of people. He just thought that way.
So now I’m dealing with a sexually dysfunctional, possible
alcoholic with ADD and possibly ADHD, an obsessive compulsive, with hate
syndromes related to work. And now I add Utopian thinker, or possibly a
visionary to be more charitable?
Hank is a friend. He is good looking, usually calm,
insightful, normally a great conversationalist, he enjoys sharing music and
literature with me, and we spend quality time in each other’s company. But he
is exhausting at times! Surely you see why?!
To my knowledge Hank has a stellar academic record from
kindergarten through high school, college and a master’s degree at a fine
university. He earns a good income and avoids debt at nearly every turn. He
drives a mundane car, dresses casually and without fanfare of style, and lives
in a modest apartment close to public transportation that he uses to get to
work. He is able to work from home much of the time, however, which gives him
the opportunity to indulge in his exercise and toilet routines mentioned
earlier.
Hank is 32, never married (of course!) and his parents and
siblings live spread out on both coasts while he lives in Chicago . Very little family interaction has
been reported to me by him. Besides me, however, I have learned of very few
close friends he spends time with on a regular basis. So, perhaps we add
‘loner’ to the catalog of descriptors of him?
This information he has shared with me directly. I could add
more detailed information but this would be based on my personal observation
and experience with Hank. Such as, his
interest in music – mostly classical with an emphasis on the baroque, loves
organ music in general, is partial to Italian opera arias, and has a special
thing for choral music, again mostly classical.
Hank avoids live or recorded opera performances. He has
attended a few but never felt a return visit was necessary. He does get a kick
out of Broadway musicals performed live on stage. He likes the glitter (he
says) but especially loves the vocals, choruses and dance routines. To my
knowledge he has never attended a ballet performance, or any other kind of
dance recital either.
Regarding literature he requires a steady diet of well
written detective novels, but reads steadily the old classics. He dutifully
wallows through Bronte and Jane Austen classics, but also likes Defoe and other
early English writers. He has never strayed to foreign writers that I am aware
of. He occasionally tests the waters of non-fiction but never on ideological or
political topics. Historical themes, yes; and that will cover important
thinkers and politicians of centuries past.
He seems to be a renaissance man – thinking on major themes
of the intellect and trying to place these themes in logical order or
symbiosis. How do they fit together? What do they mean when taken all together?
Yes, this is Hank.
Quite a bit of background on one individual, don’t you
think? And what kind of person do you take him to be? Does his type interest
you? Do you wish to be his friend? Would you take him at face value – what you
see is what you get? – or would you try to ‘fix’ him?
He remains an enigma to me because of that last
question. Who am I to fix anyone?
Acceptance of the whole person is a gift I think. It allows us to value life
more fully and to value our inner spaces as well. We have the Hanks of the
world to help us see ourselves more clearly.
Neither Hank nor I are right or wrong. We are just two
people in search of sharing meaningful time together.
And that’s not a bad thing!
August 29, 2014
PS: More about Hank in the future!
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