Twenty three months ago today a friend of mine died. From
suicide at the age of 61. He had warned me he would probably ‘do it’ but he
wasn't yet ready. For nine months I watched his behavior wondering when the ‘do it’
was a done deed. Ghoulish duty.
He had told me his intentions in confidence because he
wanted me to act as his estate’s executor. To that end he had drafted a final
letter to friends and family members telling them what his troubles and pains
were and that he was going to manage those problems himself and decide when to
go. In the letter he indicated who was to receive which possessions and
financial benefits if his assets proved adequate for those purposes.
My friend and I had met in AA meetings in town. He chose
local AA meetings so he could walk from home or bicycle to them in good
weather. I chose mostly the same meetings because I was active in town and
wanted to be honest with myself and others about my recovery from alcohol
abuse. Steve and I became fast friends and discussed many topics in and out of
AA. A PhD psychologist and massive music expert, Steve was a fascinating
person to know. He had been married four times and had a roving eye so our
mutual interests were not of a sexual focus! As a psychologist he was
interested in my being gay so we had some pretty interesting discussions.
Why bring all of this up now? Because at long last Steve’s
estate matters are winding down toward a final conclusion. Twenty three months
of fussing with household, financial, legal and relationship issues are nearing
an end. Although Steve’s adieu letter
was sent to family and friends, it proved not to be of legal standing as a
will. Thus my first duties focused on disposition of Steve’s body, family notification,
and finding an attorney to guide me through legal estate formation, appointment
of an executor, and all the rest that follows.
Turns out the attorney petitioned the probate court to
appoint me estate administrator. Those steps consumed three months and by March
of 2013 I had set up the banking relationship and begun the process of
determining taxes, bills, real estate values and the extent of tasks needed to
liquidate all the elements of the estate in order to satisfy the protocols of
the probate court. This was not to be a short term process!
I won’t bore you with all the details. However, this week
the attorney and I mailed papers of notice to the four heirs (mother, father,
brother and sister), paid the attorney his final fees to close the estate in
court, and cleared my expense and hourly fees reimbursement. We wait for a 30-day
period for questions and challenges from the heirs; hearing none the estate
will go to court for final disposition with a 42-day waiting period for public
objections after that. If none are received the court declares the estate closed and I
send checks to the heirs and ship small personal items such as photos,
diplomas, dissertations, and class rings to the family. All the other possessions have been sold at
auction, donated to charities, or tossed out. Lots of gleaning through
possessions to determine what held value and what did not. Sentimental value
holds no value on a balance sheet. But family cares about these matters. And so
friends helped me sort through a life-time of possessions in order to clear out
the house and ready it for sale.
This process was arduous but a fitting close to a
friendship. Friends gathered to do this work and we celebrated Steve’s life in
ways not possible at a memorial service. There were many points of closure.
Losing a friend by suicide must be dealt with by each of us who cared for
Steve. Up close and personal to the facts of the case impelled me forward
through a mass of issues related to managing the estate. The work gave me an
appreciation of life and death I doubt I would have gained in any other way.
Philosophical discussions internally raged for months. Still do. But in the end
I’m good with Steve’s decision to take his own life. Anything after that point
is just managing things and dollars.
It has been a long good bye. There is less than 70 days to
go for the final legal process. However, the real good bye has been accomplished.
It is bitter sweet.
November 14, 2014
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