Who Are You?

Asked some teens what three words best described them. These are kids who are struggling with underage alcohol and drug abuse. “friendly, understanding, caring, intelligent” were some of the words used. Not one used loving.

Many hours later, in the wee hours of the morning, I realized that. Loving was a word not used to describe themselves. This got me thinking about being loved. Do they love; are they loved? One is giving outward, the other is letting someone inward to your life. Might this be significant?

Not sure. I recall times when I certainly didn't feel loved. I also felt uncomfortable saying I was loving. I wonder if this is a rite of passage. Are these stages of personal development universal to maturing?

At last night’s session I was once again seeking a common link to self destructive behaviors. Not all in the group identify their behavior as self destructive. They are there because parents or a judge told them so. They have received the message that something is wrong and it is with them. So some of them are following a path back to acceptance. That is not the same thing as accepting one’s own self as being in trouble, in the wrong, or even accepting the label as being unacceptable.

Maturing is, after all, a life long process. It begins at birth and ends with death. The in-between is life and how we deal with it. A lot of experimentation goes on. We learn by doing. Even loving and being loved. And yes, even sex. How does one ‘do it’, and was that the right way, under what circumstances? Was it good for you; hell, was it good for me? What is the transaction we just did? Was it appropriate, normal, good, nasty, whatever?

Pretty basic questions. Feelings, too! How do we ever know what is right at any given moment?

Dealing with that ambiguity is a large part of life’s experience. Allowing myself to observe myself knowingly and making sense of it, is part of life’s experience. It is not easy. Not meant to be easy. It is the struggle that defines the journey of self discovery.

No wonder so many youth don’t get it. We didn't get it at their ages either! A simple truth!

We see the swagger, the puffed up chest, the knowing look. These are all clues that all is cool. But it mostly isn't. In time it is clearer but it takes time, and letting the observations happen, and the learning.

No, these kids are all very smart. All like-able. All with their whole lives before them. some missteps now, and again to be sure, but eventually they will find their way.

I asked them if they felt they were listened to. Two said yes; one did not. But he was afraid to be known on the insides. Still is. So he is avoiding listening and being listened to. That is his dance step in the journey at this moment. Hopefully he will learn to share – outwardly and inwardly. Build relationships with others not based on carnal need or security. But on feeling, intellect and emotion. These are the long lasting vertebrae of our core.

I wonder each week if we are asking the right questions and giving them time to think of the right answers. And then, do we actually listen to their answers? Are we rushing the process because we need to know, or are we helping them feel their way out of a tight spot? Are we easing, placating, and helping them cover up the important stuff of life?

So many questions. So few answers. Is that them or us?

Take a breath and try to understand. Then plant more seeds.

August 12, 2014