Coming Clean

Several young kids have recently taken their own lives. Because of bullying. This is nothing new. It has been going on for a very long time. Decades even. I know that. You know that.

I've wanted to help with this problem many times but could not find the way. Others were making a dent in the issue, maybe even more than a dent. But still the bullying goes on. And the deaths, too. Suicides. Suicides go on. Let not that point get lost.

Somehow suicide makes this issue different. I think it is the loneliness of it that grips me. Here is a person – or was – who felt so alone in his or her agony that the existential abyss sucked them in. No one was there to hear their silent shriek. But they heard it. They acted on it. They are no more.

Well, that’s not totally true, is it? If they are no more then we would not be here writing or reading about it. They are here with us now. Reminding us of how it was with them. Perhaps pulling on us to lend a hand even now when it is too late for them but not too late for others.

I guess what makes this especially gripping for me is these kids took their own life because they were gay and other kids were bullying them because of it. Some of these kids weren’t gay but they were thought to be gay. Either way the victim felt like a victim, earned or not. They felt the pain. No one helped them or buffered their way forward in life. Not even their parents who probably were unaware of the suffering, the pain, or even the bullying in the first place. But then…maybe they did?

I’m gay. Have been all my life. Didn't know it really at early age points, but I knew I was different in some way. Did not know or have the words to describe the different-ness  Gradually became more aware and was able to articulate the feelings, the thoughts.  Eventually I came to own the wholeness of the who and what I am but it took decades to unravel and piece together again as a new whole.

There have been times when my life intersected with other gay people. We talked about the ‘situation’ and what we could do about it. We wondered out loud about the problems others faced in similar ‘situations’ and what we could do to help them. And of course we worried about the youth because we came through the journey ourselves and knew it was a difficult one.

At times gay youth have presented themselves to me for help. I did what I could as unprepared for that mentor role as I was! But now things are a little different. I work with a youth group. Ostensibly they are struggling with behavior and substance problems but there are usually causes beneath those behaviors that need to be identified. Alcohol and drug abuse do not come out of thin air. Something is driving the behavior in the first place. Then the use of the substances becomes a diversion or temporary fix for the initial driving force. And addiction takes over. Or seems to at any rate.

How many drunks and drug addicts are gay people unable to face their gay demon? Society has forced the message on us that it is wrong, abnormal, twisted, sinful, perverted. You place the term of your choice in that sentence. However, unless you share the gay element in your personal life you will not know how we gay people have felt the ostracizing force of society’s disapproval.

We feel wounded in some way. Deep down. And personal.

The youth I work with may be straight or gay, depressed or whole, mentally well or unhealthy. What’s the underlying cause? I do not know. But one thing I do know: I am gay and suffered for it emotionally. I became an alcoholic to deal with it unsuccessfully. Facing the gay demon was one thing. Facing the alcohol demon was another. Together I was able to emerge healthy from the fog.

This emergence must be used productively to ease the way for others caught in the grip. So this week I will share with the youth group my very personal background in the hopes that they may use my experience as a tool to gain control of their lives.

I’ll let you know how things went. And if glimmers of hoped for help appear on the horizon for them.

Stay tuned for developments.

January 31, 2013