Reconnecting

Wednesday we met with my brother who is visiting Illinois from New York. We have been distant in recent years due to political differences. And then in the space that developed between us he has imagined my life in tumult where none is, that my relationships with others is wrong-headed where little evidence suggests such, but active imagination provides the grist for making such conclusions.

And the return feelings are true as well from my end directed toward him.

This is family. These are the relationships we build or mess up! From the imagination come resentments. Then actual feelings emerge of slights and hurtful statements. Rather than reacting to a kidding remark with laughter, anger or hurt feelings result. The only difference is we imagined the negative intent where none likely exists. The negative attracting negative results? Most likely.

Rather set those feelings aside and learn what is happening in the lives and family of the sibling. What good things have happened in their lives since last we met? How did that affect them? How does this development change your outlook on life? What changes, if any, have you made?  Not a bad line of questions that focuses on them not me.

Our lives are different to be sure. We each took different paths in education, career and marriage. We each have children and grand kids. We each are happy in our chosen locations of residence. We each have struggled with challenges throughout all of life but found the things that meant the most to us and prospered. Surely in different ways we prospered. Not the same circumstances; therefore not the same results. But prosper has it’s own subjective meaning – as well as an objective meaning. Which definition is used will make all the difference to the parties in the conversation.

Reconnecting with our sister is another challenge. The desire is there. The work is arduous. Anger, trust and hurt are ever present in our relationship with her. Caring is as well. We grew up together in the same household from earliest age to elder status today! We recall our innocent forays into daily living when we were free of resentment and negative motivations. How did we arrive at this unsettled position, making nice-nice when feelings do not warrant the external behavior of manners?

Indeed, how do we navigate these choppy waters to do the least damage and rebuild a skin of comity? We each want that. What price is due to achieve it?

Like most things in life we don’t have clear answers. We just put one foot forward and trail the other behind it. Step by step we live and step by step we learn. Time will tell if the effort was fruitful or took a long detour from the goal!

I’ll keep you posted on this story. It has had many chapters and it will surely have more. The key point is – to what end do we labor?

August 16, 2013