I wrote a piece about this shooting and placed it in the
line up of posts for my blog. It slipped into the date for Friday, June 17.
However reports on the massacre grew more detailed and my sadness grew as well.
By evening I was spent, depressed and decidedly distracted. I went to bed by
8:30 and awoke two hours later. I mean really awake! And so I arose and went to
my computer to write. Write something, anything, that would take my mind on a
flight to where it might find peace.
And I did write a piece on the shooting. I posted it at 1:30
am and returned to bed to sleep deeply for 3 hours. Monday was not a normal day
but at least I had said what I needed to say and to share it with whoever found
the posting on the internet.
This morning I opened my original file for June 17 and found
it so out of date I dumped it.
I will share with you these early vibes I felt about the
incident. First, who would do such a thing? What was going on in his mind? Why
a gay nightclub? Why so violent?
Then his photos were shared by news organizations and the
first thing that struck me was he was gay and uncomfortable with that
realization. Why did I feel that way? Because he was astoundingly good looking,
he took obvious care of his body, appearance and physical fitness. That was
apparent to me. It formed a question in my mind quickly that he was gay and
frustrated by that. Turns out I probably was right in my conclusion.
More reports tell of his frequent visits to the same nightclub
he attacked. Patrons remember him as a loner and odd person to talk with. He
sought out companionship but was awkwardly unable to deal effectively with it.
He dated at least one of the patrons for a short while but that didn’t last. It
seems the shooter knew he was gay and not doing research on a club he would
eventually shoot up and kill so many.
We call this internal homophobia – a fear and disgust with
the self over the same sex yearnings and attraction. For those not gay this is
often an early reaction to one’s own realization that they are gay. They recall
their cultural teachings and nuances that ‘taught’ us gay was bad, evil.
Actually we learned this from social and cultural context rather than outright
teachings. But subtlety doesn’t count in these matters. Only the final personal
conclusions made count.
I suffered internal homophobia. I recognized it over time
and dealt with it little by little. It is part of why it took me decades to
finally admit to myself that I was gay and it was OK. By that time I was
married and had two kids, a suburban home with a mortgage, and lots of
responsibilities to fulfill. And I did.
In time my wife forced the decision to end our marriage. We
were married nearly 26 years. Our first born had just graduated from college.
Our second born was a sophomore in college.
By the time I was 51 I was able to come out to friends and
family. Not all of my family, nor all of my friends and associates. No. That
would have been to frightening to me! So I parsed out my coming out over many
years.
Eventually my internal homophobia faded into a memory. But
it taught me to look for it in others. And I did recognize it dimly in the
Orlando Shooter. He was not ISIS . He said he
was to add to the fear and the weight of the event. He was a good stager of
what he wanted others to think. The reality was far different.
Isn’t that an interesting turn about?
More mysteries await our discovery and enlightenment in
life. This is but one. And I, for one, accept it and learn from it. Please do
so as well. Our common humanity requires us to be open to others and their
struggles. It makes them human. It makes us equally human if we can touch that
sore spot in others and ease their way in life.
I feel horror at the shooting. I feel saddened and at a loss
for all of those people killed. But I also feel sorry for the shooter who, in
the end, rejected himself far more than those he killed. He erased his feelings
and confusion by erasing others. And himself.
How unutterly sad for all.
June 15, 2016
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