Yes, I mean coming of sexual age. When does that happen?
When did it happen for you? Do you recall this? Were you a child,
pre-adolescent, adolescent, later teens or early twenties? Or maybe even later?
Were you an early bloomer or late one? What kind of memory
do you have of these days. Were you aware of what was happening? Did you talk
to anyone about it? Or did you keep it secret?
I kept mine secret. I didn’t know what the feelings were or
what to do with them. So, I wondered and worried. Fretted, too, to be honest!
I recall an awakening when I was 5 or 6 years old. I won’t
go into details here, but I remember thinking this was a very ‘adult’ thing
happening to me and I wondered about it. Another time I was climbing on an old
car with steep sides and trunk lid. I recall a physical reaction slipping and
sliding on the surface of that car. I must have been maybe 7 or 8 then. Is that
even possible? Again, no details here for polite society.
I also remember curiosity about the human body, its form in
public presentations like movies. Tarzan movies come to mind. I wondered why I
felt closer to Tarzan rather than Jane? Attraction was nebulous at that age but
there was still an attraction even if I didn’t have the words to describe it.
Later in life these feelings and attractions welled up. Much
more pronounced. An inescapable thought was forming in my mind that I might be
attracted to other males. The term ‘gay’ was not then in use; homosexual was,
but even then, the word was so rarely used that the dictionary was used to see
what it meant and how it was spelled.
By 17 I pretty much knew I was gay; but I didn’t want to be.
It would bar me from having a family, kids, home and the usual American dream.
So, I suppressed the thoughts. I wondered about the Lord’s Prayer and what
“deliver me from evil” meant. Maybe this was that evil?
With nothing to go on and no parental discussion – much too
afraid to approach the subject! – I merely suppressed all thoughts about sex.
My attention became riveted on studies, education, degrees,
and working with people. My church experience often taught us to lead lives of
usefulness. The old protestant admonition was “Be of Use.” And that’s what I
turned toward.
My bachelor’s degree was in economics and sociology. My
vocation was detoured for a time on seminary and theological studies. I met my
wife to be at that time, got married and we had two kids. Family life was
engaged, a house was bought, and all the responsibilities that go with that.
The American dream was being attended to.
Then I earned a master’s degree in large organization
communications. I continued to work for the University of Illinois at Chicago
and enjoyed that career phase enormously. We accomplished much in those days
socializing and enculturating the campus. It had been totally commuter
oriented; no dorms; only study lounges and nap rooms. Students wanted more,
needed more; so, we built dormitories. By the time those were opened for use, I
had moved on to another phase of my career. Still helping people.
You see how life took over from the deeply personal? You
begin to understand that suppression of basic urges can be placed so deep they
don’t have time to emerge from their slumber?
That’s when something began to niggle at my mind. I had
inklings of a sexual nature. I began to explore what they were and what they
meant. I must have been about 37 or 38 at the time. Still young enough to have
energy and stamina for such explorations. Little time, though. So very little
time, and no privacy for such things.
In time, I came to realize I was gay and that married life
was incompatible with that reality. It took many years to resolve but by the
time I was 50 our marriage ended and my ‘new’ life was given an opportunity to
explore.
I don't recall forcing my attentions on anyone. I don’t recall
having such forced on me, either. It was a mutual exploratory experience. Odd
but riveting. And at my late age.
Today, sexual abuse claims abound in public life. The public
wonders how this could be. Well, it is a reality for all of us when coming of
sexual age. The process is long and difficult. It is exciting and scary at the
same time. It is natural but seemingly unnatural, too. Add gay to the mix and
you only minimally grasp how ‘unnatural’ that seems to those of us who were
raised in the mainstream. Very odd and worrisome.
Straight or gay sex is not the issue. Sex is the issue. How
we express it. How we deal with it. How the privacy and autonomy of others is
respected and protected. So many things to think about. The American society –
all societies, really – are probably 95% straight and 5% gay. Gradations
between the two opposites exist – bisexual, transsexual, a little gay, a lot
gay, a little straight, a lot straight. Each of us has our own polarity to some
degree. I don’t understand it nor do I profess to understand it. I only know my
own story. My own life. My own feelings both emotional and physical. That’s all
I can bring to the table.
The rest of us remain to wonder about the challenges each of
us undergo coming to age. Will it be satisfactory? And if so, for whom? Not an
easy question to answer. And more questions yet stream forward!
Maybe it’s time our society had a conversation about this
delicate subject? How else can we expect anything good to happen; and the awful
to be less present in our lives?
December 11, 2017