Coming of Age

Yes, I mean coming of sexual age. When does that happen? When did it happen for you? Do you recall this? Were you a child, pre-adolescent, adolescent, later teens or early twenties? Or maybe even later?

Were you an early bloomer or late one? What kind of memory do you have of these days. Were you aware of what was happening? Did you talk to anyone about it? Or did you keep it secret?

I kept mine secret. I didn’t know what the feelings were or what to do with them. So, I wondered and worried. Fretted, too, to be honest!

I recall an awakening when I was 5 or 6 years old. I won’t go into details here, but I remember thinking this was a very ‘adult’ thing happening to me and I wondered about it. Another time I was climbing on an old car with steep sides and trunk lid. I recall a physical reaction slipping and sliding on the surface of that car. I must have been maybe 7 or 8 then. Is that even possible? Again, no details here for polite society.

I also remember curiosity about the human body, its form in public presentations like movies. Tarzan movies come to mind. I wondered why I felt closer to Tarzan rather than Jane? Attraction was nebulous at that age but there was still an attraction even if I didn’t have the words to describe it.

Later in life these feelings and attractions welled up. Much more pronounced. An inescapable thought was forming in my mind that I might be attracted to other males. The term ‘gay’ was not then in use; homosexual was, but even then, the word was so rarely used that the dictionary was used to see what it meant and how it was spelled.

By 17 I pretty much knew I was gay; but I didn’t want to be. It would bar me from having a family, kids, home and the usual American dream. So, I suppressed the thoughts. I wondered about the Lord’s Prayer and what “deliver me from evil” meant. Maybe this was that evil?

With nothing to go on and no parental discussion – much too afraid to approach the subject! – I merely suppressed all thoughts about sex.

My attention became riveted on studies, education, degrees, and working with people. My church experience often taught us to lead lives of usefulness. The old protestant admonition was “Be of Use.” And that’s what I turned toward.

My bachelor’s degree was in economics and sociology. My vocation was detoured for a time on seminary and theological studies. I met my wife to be at that time, got married and we had two kids. Family life was engaged, a house was bought, and all the responsibilities that go with that. The American dream was being attended to.

Then I earned a master’s degree in large organization communications. I continued to work for the University of Illinois at Chicago and enjoyed that career phase enormously. We accomplished much in those days socializing and enculturating the campus. It had been totally commuter oriented; no dorms; only study lounges and nap rooms. Students wanted more, needed more; so, we built dormitories. By the time those were opened for use, I had moved on to another phase of my career. Still helping people.

You see how life took over from the deeply personal? You begin to understand that suppression of basic urges can be placed so deep they don’t have time to emerge from their slumber?

That’s when something began to niggle at my mind. I had inklings of a sexual nature. I began to explore what they were and what they meant. I must have been about 37 or 38 at the time. Still young enough to have energy and stamina for such explorations. Little time, though. So very little time, and no privacy for such things.

In time, I came to realize I was gay and that married life was incompatible with that reality. It took many years to resolve but by the time I was 50 our marriage ended and my ‘new’ life was given an opportunity to explore.

I don't recall forcing my attentions on anyone. I don’t recall having such forced on me, either. It was a mutual exploratory experience. Odd but riveting. And at my late age.

Today, sexual abuse claims abound in public life. The public wonders how this could be. Well, it is a reality for all of us when coming of sexual age. The process is long and difficult. It is exciting and scary at the same time. It is natural but seemingly unnatural, too. Add gay to the mix and you only minimally grasp how ‘unnatural’ that seems to those of us who were raised in the mainstream. Very odd and worrisome.

Straight or gay sex is not the issue. Sex is the issue. How we express it. How we deal with it. How the privacy and autonomy of others is respected and protected. So many things to think about. The American society – all societies, really – are probably 95% straight and 5% gay. Gradations between the two opposites exist – bisexual, transsexual, a little gay, a lot gay, a little straight, a lot straight. Each of us has our own polarity to some degree. I don’t understand it nor do I profess to understand it. I only know my own story. My own life. My own feelings both emotional and physical. That’s all I can bring to the table.

The rest of us remain to wonder about the challenges each of us undergo coming to age. Will it be satisfactory? And if so, for whom? Not an easy question to answer. And more questions yet stream forward!

Maybe it’s time our society had a conversation about this delicate subject? How else can we expect anything good to happen; and the awful to be less present in our lives?

December 11, 2017