Filling Holes

Youth Friday. Last night. A breakthrough.

Recall the Friday night gatherings are with teens (13 to 17) who are abusers of alcohol and drugs. We apply an Alcoholics Anonymous template for the meeting. The template works only a little. Mostly it is a session in which two adults attempt to get the kids to talk about their sobriety, how to find it and keep it. We apply sobriety to both drug and alcohol free status. Equal opportunity addiction, you know?

Well, pulling meaningful discussion from these kids is like getting a republican to admit he really should pay more taxes. They resist. Saying anything at all, let alone a heartfelt sharing of what they are feeling. Until last night.

One of the guys I've been watching grow and stretching into a reluctant leadership role, suggested we all talk about what our largest hole is in life, the one we are trying to fill, the one that most likely caused us to try booze and drugs to cover up the hole in the first place. He started the sharing. Then another, and another. Of 14 kids 6 shared. Good stuff. Things that would trouble any of us. Experiences that shook faith in family, friends and life itself. The gaping abyss that scared them.

Such are the encounters each of us are likely to have in life. How we handle it at the time helps us understand a lot of the other mysteries life holds for us, too. Handling it badly in the past often trails forward through many years of struggle. And experimentation with substances to soothe troubled waters!

These six youth were willing to probe their feelings in front of others. It is the honesty we ask of each other if we are to unburden ourselves, live freer lives, and find the inner self. The process uncovers hidden strengths and broader self understanding. In time that becomes a blessing, something to be grateful for.

The shared stories were the usual things in some cases, but stunning and shocking tales in others. No wonder these kids felt a void. The holes were scary. Drugs and alcohol became companions and the entre to relationships with others to fill the void. Most admitted their experiences made them feel lonely and isolated.

Six spoke out. Those asked the quiet ones why they remained silent. One said he was not prepared yet to share these feelings. Another demurred similarly. A few declared this meeting not to be the appropriate place for such sharing; it felt too much like a therapy session. He was asked what would he suggest we do with our time, then. He had no answer. No suggestions. No ideas. Just silence. And others around him agreed with him.

Some were ready to use their time to fill the aching holes in their lives. Others were not ready to do so. I wonder when and if they ever will be ready?

These things cannot be rushed. But the pressure to resolve remains and presses the addict toward self understanding. Each person is on his own journey with its own pathway and timeline. No one can impose that on another. The unfolding takes time and patience.

Consequences, too, unfold if progress is not gained. The hole yet yawns, sucking in life force that could be used on better pursuits. Covering this loss only adds to the effect of the original hole. Compounding difficulties is yet new consequence. And the job to be done grows ever larger.

Arresting the problem at a simpler stage and dealing with it is a better strategy. Youth now or adult later, the need remains and gets more complicated to repair.

Last night’s meeting was a good one. Six of fourteen attendees worked honestly to heal. Alone that process is difficult. Together and sharing is faster and more rewarding. Group strength does count for something. Silence doesn't.

How to spend our time together on Friday evening? Do we do the hard work or do we avoid it? And if we don’t like spending the time together, what then are the options? What ideas would improve our time together? No ideas? You mean complaining takes the place of offering a constructive idea?

At this early stage of their lives, they are already learning how to avoid what really matters. Could this be an echo of what is to come for them? Complaining and victimhood celebrated as fresh thinking? Or will they learn they have a role to play in finding solutions and sharing ideas that will help them and others?

No wonder they have holes. So does our society. And what do we do about that?

May 5, 2015