Polemics and Respect

Good manners are infectious. Bad manners are too. Having respect for someone is not the same as acting respectful. The former is an acquired appreciation. Sometimes it is an assigned appreciation, one that comes with the specialness of the place, or office, or role, or whatever. When we meet the President of the United States, the person in that role carries the history of the office, the weight of having been elected to that high office, the hopes of many for the success of the office holder in matters large and important. Respect is due the office and the title; but also to the holder because of the symbolism he has inherited. 

Withholding respect is a personal choice. It is intentional. It is a message. It is clearly broadcast. It is political, ideological and…bad manners. No matter how you cut it. 

Some things we hold in, forbear. We do this out of respect; also to keep peace. We perform this act many times a day at work, in the marketplace of stores and shops, in transit when commuting, when driving in heavy traffic, in family gatherings where tensions and hurt feelings may be present. We act in forbearance to be polite; it keeps the peace and gives positive vibes which may heal rifts. 

When we disagree with another person we have ways, protocols, to deal with it. Sometimes it is a smile and nod while backing away; other times it calls us to state our negative politely with the offer to discuss the matter at a later date. At times a joke softens the moment of heat. Kindness and respect. Manners. Good or otherwise. They are often needed. 

Current society begs disagreements via tweets, Facebook and Internet. Off the cuff comments hurled quickly without thinking. Honest statements given in a hurry. Our feelings bared and maybe brutal. It’s OK; it is the technology. The always present technology allows instant communication whether needed or not; whether valued or not. 

Bad manners. Celebrated in some camps. Lionized in others.  

Honesty is a good thing to curry. Also freedom of speech and thinking and sharing all of the same. It is the when and how that we are discussing here. What are the protocols that guide us in these matters? When is a good time. When do we defer to another time and place? And even then, when are other formats used to deal with the matter: debate, reasoned papers; email string, symposia, classes, research project…? 

Honesty is a precursor of finding truth; it is not the finding of truth, but it is a necessary if we are to locate it. Expressing doubt and unformed conclusions; stating questions for pursuit of answers; lamenting our frustrations over unclear understanding of issues. All of these honestys helps us declare so we can pursue more information and facts. It is a proper base for research and collaboration. This is how we move forward together. This is progress and future building. 

Bad manners dashes that work. Poisons the effort. 

It may vent one person’s rage and frustration; but the action rarely hits home. Collateral damage is borne by many: the innocent, the blameless, the unwitting. Nothing much gets accomplished other than more frustration and shared gloom and negative thinking. That’s the poison. 

How do we control for this? Some needs to happen. It is natural. But endlessly? No; we must remind others of good manners and collaborative behavior that brings understanding and solutions for all. Maybe even peace. 

I think some of the bad manners we learn to ignore. We avoid the places where it occurs. Others we allow a ‘harrumph’ and then walk away. In some cases we support the victim and ignore the attacker. In time the rude fade away. They may never wonder why they got the cold shoulder; but maybe they do. We can only hope. That’s when learning happens. 

The sheer weight of negative thoughts, opinions and rude discourse is beginning to tip the sense of our group propriety. I sense a growing intolerance of bad manners and a return to civility. I suppose it will happen if we let it, help it. But don’t push it else we become bad mannered as well.  

Invite discussion. Work at sharing ideas. Collaborate on possible answers, even partial ones. Go as far as you can. Pose questions to pursue. Together. Meanwhile, ignore the bumptious and rude people. They will eventually get the message. The pendulum moves oh so slowly! But we can hope for better times in which we work well together. And play, too!

 
February 22, 2012