Coping; Control?

So many phrases run through my mind these days. All of them come down to this – How do I maintain control over my life when others around me clearly aren’t in control of theirs?

I get it that people are happy with the outcome of the election. They think Trump has the guts to say it like it is. He reflects their frustration and loss of control in their lives. They feel neglected and at a loss over their derailed careers, job loss, economic decline and all the rest. They are at sea in the midst of much loss and along comes a guy who seems to speak to those feelings.

A win for Trump is a confirmation of their pain. So they are happy. And they elect him.

For the others whose candidate lost, their pain is real as well. They too have felt loss in the past several years totally unrelated to the election. It is the election they were pinning their hopes on to stem the losses felt over the past dozen years or more.

What are those losses?

Change in jobs. Stagnation in household income. Career change without happy endings; lack of fulfillment and appreciation for the work done. Social reliance on fun and games rather than substantive meaning, value, mental fulfillment.

Oh there were other losses as well. Include pleasantness of social contacts. Undercurrents of anger and incivility. Chomping at the bit for a voice, the sounding of an opinion you hold dear. Ignorance and lack of caring on the part of others. A sense that my community is not whole and slipping away from me. Similar feelings in family circles, too.

Things are changing over which I have little or no control. Impact on my life, yes; adjustment to them, slow and imperfect. How will these changes affect my life in the longer term? Will these be pleasant or painful?

How much of my life do I have control over?

This overriding doubt becomes a larger presence. Nagging and energy sapping.

And so we begin questioning our associations. Are they positive forces in our lives or are they negative? Who do I trust? Who do I care for? Do they care for me? Not love, care. Simple caring. Do they? Do I?

And so it goes. Trailing down a spiral of doubt toward fear and terror.

Somewhere along that line we stop, take a deep breath, and restart our thinking. Perhaps this is not as bad as it first seemed. Maybe I am overreacting. My emotions are getting the upper hand and I must resist that. What are my options now? How else can I think of this complex of feelings and happenings? Can I do something different?

I walk into a meeting and tensions are high. Good colleagues working on difficult issues but also affected by the outside world. We are a part of it. It is a part of us. We carry the baggage with us into many arenas. So do others – carry baggage. Some are happy while others are glum. Surface tension is broken and Trump gladiators preen while Hillary losers wince. Campaign sound bites are sounded. Inappropriate. Reaction is swift. Uncivil response rapidly follows.

How much more of this will we experience in the coming days? Less and less, hopefully. But the pain remains. The nation is unsettled. This was not between Trump and Hillary. Finding a common theme as reconnection to one another is faulty and hesitant. The face to face is real; the connection is not yet apparent. When will this resolve? And is this the essence of healing?

Basics first: one side is about moving the nation forward in equality and kindness and fixing problems erupting from rapid social change and dislocation.

The other side is about being respected because they experienced loss as well and they want some of that back.

The latter is emotional; angry and frustrated at past happenings. The former is hopeful and practical, finding solutions to problems they are aware of. But do the two parties see clearly that they are suffering from the same thing?

It is only their answer to the upset that bothers them in the first place that is the difference between them.

What is the desired outcome for each party? Are they similar in nature? If so why the chasm between them?

Here’s what I’m afraid of: angry people striking out against perceived threats from others they see differently than themselves and doing damage to the others. Don’t understand gay people, or Blacks or Hispanics or immigrants, people of different religions, etc? Do these people mean me harm? Are they taking something away from me? Are they an enemy that endangers me and requires defensive moves on my part?

Anger yields to bigotry. Bigotry yields to actions. Actions lead to threats. Threats lead to violence. Soon there is chaos and rioting in the streets.

Over differences of opinion? No. This is over powerlessness. And Trump is seen as power and thus got votes. He knew this. He manipulated it to his advantage. The rest of us ignored him as a hateful bigot but the last laugh is on us; he won the votes of those who felt disenfranchised, marginalized.

But those same people don’t get this: I feel marginalized and powerless too. I feel my nation has abandoned basic fairness, kindness and decency. I fear that women are undervalued and made into sex objects. I fear that gay people are viewed as evil and worthy of erasure. I fear popular religious views will trump others and create a power wedge in government circles favoring people of one belief over others.

Violence against others is not always of bone and sinew. It is most often of emotion and belonging.

I get your pain. Do you get mine?

November 12, 2016