What’d he say? Huh?
Sorry, noise distracted me. What did you say?
We’ve all been in a situation where you heard something that
may have been important but you think you didn’t hear all of it clearly. So you
ask for a repeat. Most times the repeat doesn’t help! But at least we asked for
clarification. That’s a good thing.
Communication is meant to be a completed cycle of
transferring information between at least two people. I say something to you;
you hear it; you indicate receipt of the thought. That communicates to me that
you heard me. Cycle complete.
In a noisy world, however, straightforward communication is
often not possible. Our sent messages run through fields of noise, visual
distraction and unreceptive cohorts in the communication dyad. The common
result is sadly total failure of the communication in the main, or
miscommunication at the least. Both results are errors in search of
magnification! Lordy, what tumult can result from a message gone awry. Kingdoms
have been lost, so have marriages, and betrothals unconsummated.
Relationships lean heavily on communications. The better the
relationship, the stronger the base of trust between the two people. That trust
aids communication especially when it might be misunderstood. Trust begs repeat
of the communication so both parties are certain of the intended message and
the actual receipt of it. The relationship remains strong because each person
checks and trusts the messages shared.
If the related parties take their relationship for granted,
messages might become miscommunicated and distorted. If trust is hurting, verification of the
intended message might not be done. The result will likely be a bobbled
message. With damaged trust the bobbled message becomes the message at least in
the mind of the recipient. That person will make of it what he/she will. And
most likely the damage grows exponentially from there.
Think of the political nuisance made from such poor
communications. Think also of public relations efforts which attempt to craft
attitudes and perceptions supportive of a specific point of view regardless of
the data content of the message. Whole industries have been built from
communication arts and propaganda. Words do matter. But beware those who wield
them! Manipulations are abroad.
The Prayer of Saint Francis of Assisi is one I turn to
often. It contains much but one of its gems is: “…to understand rather than to be
understood…”. This phrase is an admonition that peace is found in
helping others and a key to that help is to understand another person rather
than struggling to make them understand you. It is not about you, or me. It is
about the other person. What is it they need you to understand? Not agree to,
but understand?
The effort to understand another person is work. It forces
me to get outside of myself so I can gain reference to what the other person is
about and wants understood about him. To accomplish this my preferences and
preconceived notions are set aside. My focus is on the other person.
It is surprising what we learn doing this! There are
dimensions of life that grow our understanding of our own life let alone those
of others. Like Mark Twain said, “the more I learn about people, the more I
like my dog.”
Not all of our discoveries are negative (sorry Mr.
Clemens!). We learn more human sized components of people. We know them as
sensitive and feeling. Loving and caring, as well. We find that others are like
me. If I understand me, then I can understand others, at least if I try.
The process alone brings peace. To me and to the other. We
are softened and prepared to assist the other. We leave our troubles behind and
focus on the other.
I have had two particularly difficult persons to know and
get along with. One defies understanding no matter how I try. I have gained
peace by separating myself from that person. Her issues are hers alone. Those
closest to her will need to love her and help her as difficult as that may be.
But it is not my task to do. I have tried and failed. Best to leave it alone
and understand others more accessible.
The second person was another woman, but this time a close
friend and neighbor. We had much fun and joy getting to know each other. Our
company together was rewarding and very pleasant. But she changed when dynamics
of my personal life changed. She could not deal with that very well. She turned
her communications toward me in odd ways. I tried to understand but was
thwarted every time. Although this bothered me, I eventually learned it was
about her and not me. Try to understand her, not agree with her. Let her be.
Let her think and feel as she would. Then let it go.
She died without further contact between us. Although we
both felt this it was not my task to agree or disagree. Only understand. If she
did not understand me then that was not my task either. I have done my best and
now the forevers must take ownership of it. Not me. I have my peace. She must
have hers.
To understand, not be understood…such a command to let go and
let peace.
June 4, 2015
I remember attending a communications workshop many years ago in which we instructed, during an exercise in which we were supposed to be arguing with someone, to ask as many questions as possible to make absolutely sure we understood what the other person was saying. We then had to repeat what we thought they were saying in a way that they agreed was what they meant. Only then were we allowed to state our own position.
ReplyDeleteMy experience was that the effort to understand the other person quickly defused the (admittedly manufactured) tension, and by the time I got to state my own opinion, things went more smoothly.
And yes, the other person had to go through the questioning-repeating phase, too, to make sure we both understood what was going on before the conversation ended.
The process works, of course, only if communications can be established enough to make progress. [And perhaps in social communication involving groups or parties, there are two many variables.] I have found, however, that when I can be calm enough to remember to do this, even if the other person will not reciprocate and remains difficult, my own level of frustration is much diminished.
And let's never forget, someone once pointed out that I never learned anything from someone I already agreed with.
Good stuff. This prayer is one of my favorites as well, something I use regularly both personally and professionally. One difference for me is to include the word "seek" - as in "O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be understood as to understand." To seek is a gentle reminder to me never to assume that I truly understand the other, but to be actively engaged in seeking that understanding.
ReplyDelete