Impatience and Some Anger

Last week following the massacre at the Orlando, Florida gay nightclub, I experienced many emotions. After a couple of days I realized I was going through the classic grieving process –  shock, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance, hope – all laid out by Elizabeth Kubler Ross in 1969. Often these are considered the 5 Stages of Grieving although there are actually 7. Leave it to the American thought process to skinning down the process by the first and last items – shock and hope – to arrive at a faster, more convenient way of viewing grief.

Whatever, each stage is navigated by the human mind with all of the accompanying emotions. And the grief need not be caused by death of a loved one, or a broken relationship of major importance in your life. No, an accident, a serious injury, loss of a limb, or loss of job, home or whatever else is held very dear in one’s life.

In my case it was the Orlando shootings that shocked and led me through travail of grief. Totally unexpected, by the way. This was a news event. Serious, gloomy, tragic, sudden, grisly and bloody. Death of 50; serious injury to 53. Those facts alone should be all that matters to start the grieving process. But it wasn’t.

No, in my case the fact that this was an act of domestic terror against my community was the silent factoid that grabbed me. I’m gay and the gay nightclub, although never visited by me, was a connection of profound importance to me. I had not expected this but it was there and very real. I felt attacked and insecure.

I have friends and family that understand this. They reached out to me and provided comfort. At first I was puzzled but slowly I gained awareness of what was happening. Later in the week I realized I had not heard from a lot of significant others in my life. Were they that disconnected from my life that they wouldn’t understand? Were they of lesser meaning to me, therefore?

Look, I get it. Gay is an uncomfortable topic in Americana. It is tolerated in polite discussion but barely unless you are talking among the gay community. I have a sister in law who remains acceptant and loving but very uncomfortable about the topic. There are times she shushes us for mentioning the term. She acts like she is protecting her granddaughters, all adults and more sophisticated than she is on the topic of gender orientation. She is embarrassed by it still. And maybe even angered by it? Hard for me to know but the tell tale signs of intolerance are present.

From that realization I have arrived at another realization – our reality is not truly shared by others even though they say it is. Many are anxious to understand. Even several of my fellow church members have reached out to learn more after reading my blogs of last week centered on the Orlando tragedy. They are moving along with me on the journey of grief and seeing things for the first time. In some ways I am as well discovering things I did not know about myself. Interesting.

Last night we shared dinner with old friends from within the gay community. We talked about our shared sense of grief. But then one of the group said – “we have a right to be angry; others have pledged their love and support but show in so many ways they would rather not; they are discomfited by the whole gay thing.”  Well, that made me stop and think. And in bed last night several times I awoke thinking about this theme. And so I write about it now.

I can get married to the love of my life now; and did in February. I am thankful for that. I am even grateful for that. But I’m not thanking my nation for it because it is my human right to live life the same as everyone else. I am not given anything. I have received what I ought just like you and everyone else. To think otherwise is to accept society’s discomfort over all things gay.

The jokes about ‘he’s a little limp wristed, you know’ or ‘ain’t he swishy’, and all the rest. Those are wrong. I’m not swishy. I’m not limp wristed. I am a person. I happen to like same gender people in the same way that different gender people are attracted to each other. They know this as normal. I know myself as normal. Yes, we are different, but we are also all normal.

Allowing others to think otherwise is the insult. And if I allow it and make allowances for it to be polite, I have not helped anything but I have degraded myself. If I accept that then that is my fault. If I don’t accept it and point it out to others, it may not be very polite but it is civil and should be expected.

When someone uses the wrong terminology to refer to someone different from themselves – black, negro, colored, etc. for an African American – they should be corrected. Difficult I know but how else do we learn what is right if we don’t encounter it honestly?

I’m here and queer. Get over it. I have.

And, my life is as valuable as yours, too. I do what I can to make the world a better place. I honestly explore the meaning of things and let others know of my struggles and progress along the way. This is good for me. It is good for others. It is honest and instructive. Why don’t others do the same? Are they too fearful they may learn something about themselves they can’t handle?

Oh please! This is the very process through which we mature and grow. It should be embraced and and valued. I do and gain insight and excitement over life itself.

Try it. You’ll like it!

June 22, 2016