Recent mood shifts have accelerated. Impatience has been a personal
hallmark of mine for a lifetime. Attention to detail mostly a constant. Slip ups
with details unnerve me. Escalating irritation with lack of progress in any
venue or issue is cause for anger.
Anger spills out of frustration and impatience. Those nearby
see it. I am powerless to contain the disturbance. I lash out in word. Vocabulary
instantly blooms into ugly. Spent, I sit back and stew but calmly.
Technical glitches instantly create helplessness. Feeling of
incompetence looms like a geyser. Whether it is TV, cable connection, Wi-Fi,
computer, Facebook, email or internet browser, if it works, I’m OK; calm. If it
doesn’t function well, I’m instantly in a stew.
Politics nauseates me these days. Facebook is full of
misinformation and skewing. Propaganda spawns like maggots. News becomes as bad
as Facebook. Learning to mute objectionable pieces, but often not quick enough.
Trigger finger is a new malady for me.
Aging has many symptoms. Aching joints, muscles and
back. Painful walking. Shifting posture accompanying movement. And pain. Expected
and accommodated, but it still irritates. Mood is colored by this. And the spirit tires.
Advertising on TV is constant, maybe 50% or more of all TV
time? When did this happen? Or is this my imagination? Anyway, what is
advertised is no longer needed by me. Luxury cars are not in my future. Vacations
are not in my future, either. At least, not vacations involving hiking,
swimming, zip lining or even basking on a beach. I’d prefer southwestern United
States, sitting in or driving my car through beloved landscapes. Smelling the
desert air and feeling the balm of its dry air. Seeing mountains again and
vast, empty spaces. Other than that, there are no European cobbled streets in
my future. Too wobbly and uneven for my aching frame.
These images conclude that the future now has limits for me,
for us. Sometimes this is a startling realization. On the other hand it doesn’t
startle because other interests have replaced them. I get more out of reading,
or a movie, or a smell, a whiff of breeze, or something else ignored when
younger. It is the little thing that attracts my attention these days.
Keeping my mind busy and writing is a tonic. Maybe that’s
why anger is quick and molten when the keyboard freezes or the computer refuses
to follow orders. My orders!
So, all of this is to say I am not the most pleasant person
to be around right now. Maybe this is COVID? Maybe not. Probably aging.
Rocky’s Parkinson’s on top of his surviving a debilitating
cancer surgery (twice) and his diabetes, makes him more dependent on me. I’m
not always the best person for that job given my own issues. But we are all we
have. More adaptation ahead.
Yes. More adaptation. Ahead. Today. And tomorrow.
uly 31, 2020
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