Intimacy

Delicate subject this! Not so subtle, yet we handle it as such. Delicate as in embarrassed? Or delicate as in difficult to understand? Or just plain sensitive? Or maybe the ‘handling’ depends on your age, which era you emerged from?

Actually I think of it with great trepidation. And humility. After all, intimacy is about our being human with another person; letting our true self be present and observable, touchable maybe, physically cleaving with another person? The latter is probably the principle image or meaning we have for the term intimate. OK, so be it.

Loving another person is magical. And multi dimensional. Caring for someone is love. Being cared for is love. Allowing someone to love you is another form of love. Love of self is a must if you are to love another or allow someone to love you.

So many words. So many meanings. But all surrounding and involving ‘love.’ Let’s examine this in more detail, from a ‘man on the street’ perspective.

Loving ala sex. This is the one that makes this a sensitive topic for most. Sharing the inner anima. How can we picture some people performing in this manner? Some snicker. Some recoil. Others think ‘how nice’ for them. But this is a supremely private part of our lives. Some people have such private thoughts on this subject that they fear thinking about it, doing it, approaching it. They are in fact virginal in their approach; avoid it at all costs. Cheat themselves of this most personal of communications between two people. Whole yet not so if avoiding it; afraid of it. Shy doesn’t cover it. Dysfunction does.

One only has to read novels that involve sex as part of the character’s development. It is natural. It is beautiful. It is daring and risky. It is animal at times; poetic often. Inexpressible delight for still other times. But oh so personal. Delicate. Almost holy?

Loving as friend. Opening yourself to another person so you can be known more fully and hope to know the other as fully. Sharing experiences and values among two people opens many vistas of life. We see the world around us differently when we know it through another person’s eyes. And they because of our eyes, too. It’s a two way street. And other friends, too. We begin the process of experiencing life more fully because we do it not alone.

Loving as neighbor. We do not select our neighbors, yet they are there in close association with us. We learn of each other slowly and carefully…because this is ‘for keeps’ or at least an indeterminate length of time. No sense making enemies when they are this close! But then we eventually learn more of them, and they us. We share so many common elements of daily living. We understand each other’s ups and downs and challenges. Ill health and its disruptions. Times of financial need and struggle. Addictions and their distortions to personalities, and then at times we notice. Neighbor as personal friend and caring…through thick and thin. These experiences anneal us to life struggles and make our own hard times easier to bear. As surely they must, hard times do come to each of us; in different ways, and at different life phases. But come they will; sometimes repeated often. It is the inevitable cycle and we are not immune.

Loving as mentor. Colleagues connect. Formerly at work or in some other pathway. But there is a connection. Interests form a commonality; a link. We discuss these interests and learn from each other. We gain perspective and skills this way, too. The imbalance creates opportunity to serve the other. Mentor at times is followed by mentee as well! Interesting how that happens. After some significant moments of sharing we feel beholden, gifted by the other. It is a rare moment in life. It is a reward. It gladdens the heart. These acts – given or received – complete us in some manner. It is a form of love, of caring.

Loving as one among a throng! Not exactly an intimacy, but it is actually. When we feel comradeship among a large group of people. Perhaps it is a celebration of an accomplishment either by the group or one of the leaders, we feel kinship in these moments. We recognize our compact with one another. National pride is this sort of thing. Special interest group membership and the group’s development successfully unfolding. A trusted person elected to a position of trust in our community is such a time of shared moment. These times are both personal and group. They are special and tug at our hearts. They are part of our human-ness and are to be celebrated. Yes it is a form of love. 

Pinnacle moments are sudden at times. They are at the intersection of our hopes and dreams made real through group striving. A choir sings a musical piece with perfection that uplifts the voices, and the audience. A concert pianist performs in such a way as to transport our inner selves to far away places only we can relate to. Emotional values that come at moments of realization that this exact moment is very special and very fleeting; it may never come again to us. So we grab it, adore it, and yes, shed a tear to commemorate this special time. 

Intimacy is about sharing a very special part of ourselves with another human being and also receiving the same. It is best shared knowingly between two people or more. It requires a special release, courage and humility. Smug and ego driven, fearful and protective---no, intimacy will have trouble forming. It will be only at the edges. Pity that. So much reward waiting to be experienced. It takes practice, I think, to unlock this special feature of life. 

May it be yours now or very soon!

April 8, 2012