Haunting Eyes, Faces

Friday nights I meet with a group of teenagers. They are there because they are required to. They have been caught drinking, drinking and driving, or drugging or a combination of all three. Most are under 17 years of age.

They are required to be in the program either because their parents said so, or a judge said so, or a judge told the parents that if they didn't get their kid into a program he would make it mandatory at some point. Their choice.

Of course the kids involved think they are being punished. They are being told to do something they don’t want to do. They are correct in reading it that way. But it is for their own good you say?

It may be but under such circumstances the good comes about only if the principals are listening and thinking things through. Emotions are involved and listening and thinking is most likely not getting done.

Somehow an opportunity exists to get them thinking and listening. Listening enough so they can do the thinking on their own terms and making sense of the world around them. They need some guidance but the thinking must still be their own. They have to live with the results; best they own it and build inner confidence from the process.

I found this quote on the internet the other day but couldn’t read the author’s name; too good to skip, so here it is without due credit; just know it is not mine!:

“You decide every moment of every day who you are and what you believe in. you get a second chance, every second.”

Most of us are not aware we are making those decisions, certainly not at the frequency of ‘every moment’. A young person doesn’t have the life experience to provide a reliable filter through which to gauge the world. Choice is not on their radar screen I think. When consequences arise they may recognize choices made but at the time the decision is made I bet they don’t realize it. As Roy Disney stated, “It’s not hard to make decisions once you know what your values are.”

Time is a great teacher. Until then, however, what are we to do to help them?

One is to listen to them. Just listen. Echo back what you hear so they know you are listening. Reserve judgment; keep opinions to yourself until they are ready to hear you.

When you think they are ready to hear, ask about their interests, what excites them? Ask about what hobbies they have. See if you can get them to articulate why that hobby is important to them. Feed them information on that hobby as you come across it. This is another indication you are listening to them.

As trust is built between you and them, share a little about your life and experiences. Highlight those that parallel their experiences. We all get into trouble; what’s your story? How does that relate to their story?

In time we may be able to place stepping stones among us. Stepping stones; to use in navigating the spaces between us. To build a connection hopefully to unite our minds in common task.

Care must be taken to build and retain the trust. It is delicate and fragile.

Along this path we help each other learn and survive. Each has something to share with the other. Regardless of age differences we learn from each other whether intended or not. I know they bring out the best in me. I just hope I am returning that favor for them!

April 25, 2013