Tender Times

Life presents us with tender moments often. A physical hurt that consumes some of our attention is one such tender moment. A stubbed toe reminds us frequently when we are walking to watch for immovable objects that will heighten the tender toe. So too with feelings.

Emotions are tender due to internal mood changes sparked by a host of different causes. Tenderness calls on us at moments of sweet love, encounters with favorite people, an aroma that takes us back to childhood, and many other stimuli like this. Sounds, music, tastes, foods of our life’s memory bank are but a few examples.

I get tender hearing the news that disappoints and then I ponder it for quite a while. What do I do with the news? How can my behavior and understanding help the situation, or not? Media attention focused on loud and lewd people do not represent the true feelings or spirit of most Americans, but the attention is on them just the same. The boldness, the nervelessness, the pomposity on display, such are the elements the media deems newsworthy these days. And it is newsworthy if a cajillion people pay attention to it and respond to it. It becomes the language of the day just like an errant fad or fashion point. Not very important but newsworthy anyway. For a time.

Relationships with others that don’t go well. Either I expect too much from them, or they from me! Or maybe the functional identity associated with our relationship is too much compromise on my part and too little on the other person. That imbalance calls forth a tenderness of spirit that can bloom into hard feelings, resentments and trouble. Tenderness just the same. It is there to be dealt with.

Sometimes we deal with these matters by shrugging it off, ignoring it, going on to other things on which we have more impact. Labor in the fields where fruitfulness lies; steer clear of the barren tasks that yield no joy.

In time, however, these shunted items become major obstructions to be managed. By that time they have often grown in complexity and hard feelings. Resentments are like that. Tough and ornery. Resistant to solution, too. That’s why most management training encourages open, frank communication at the outset of difficulty so all parties can craft an agreeable solution based on sound principles of collaboration and compromise.

Family relations might be the sole exception here. The feelings are too complicated and deep to be understood by the principals and handled deftly to successful repose. Too often the feelings are anchored in perceived slights during childhood; if such is the case one would be forgiven side stepping the problem and hoping for a professional psychologist to get involved!

The childhood might be recent, but more likely is 40 years or more distant. I’m dealing with something in the making for over 70 years.  Fix that, will you! I don’t think so.

So my answer is to side step the issue and go on with my life. Twinges of abandonment – both directions – will echo for a while.

As a friend of mine told me once, you cannot fix what you didn’t break. That task belongs to the other person. If you are willing to engage and they are not, then the path forward is clear. Take that path and live life to the fullest on your own terms.

So I have. Silence from one sibling is disengagement. Misplaced anger and misunderstanding is another signal of disengagement. So be it.

I have a nephew who is fond of saying, “It is what it is.” And he is right. The Beatles’ song “Let it Be” says the same thing. Most often we cannot have an effect on the things that most bother us. Recognizing that reality is a step towards maturity. Leaving it alone is all I can do.

But I can turn my attention to other things that are important to me and I will. I promise!

May you and yours have a merry, personal and safe Christmas/Hannukha/Kwanzaa.

December 24, 2016