“I need to learn how to love myself.” This was said by an
18-year-old high school senior, a bright honor student, and a drug addict.
Suburban. Stable home and solid middle class. Not wanting economically. Just
the normal dreams and hopes for the future.
Hopes to be married one day and have kids. Doesn’t know how
to keep those kids safe from drugs and other threats.
His comment was a response to my question, ‘What have you
learned new this week, since we last met?”
That was his answer. He looked at me with eyes wide open; almost
pleadingly. “I need to love myself. I don’t know how.”
That was the beginning of a good discussion. We went through
the loves, category by category: self-love, love of another, being loved by another,
platonic versus sexual love, love of things, and so on. It all came down to
this conclusion – to love another person you have to first love yourself. With
that love established, you can be loved by another, too. Without self-love the
tools are not in place to receive love or give it.
We are taught from a young age to be selfless, not selfish,
not ego-centered. Not always a successful lesson. Sometimes too successful.
To learn later that all love begins with self-love is
uncomfortable. Perhaps that is why all religions teach us that God loves you,
us, me. If God loves us how can we not love ourselves?
The tragic reality is most people do not know how to love
themselves. It may be the single largest hindrance in human relationships.
Intimacy comes from trust that starts with love, love in the other, feeling loved
by the other. Without that coexisting love, intimacy is likely impossible.
To love oneself is to start the journey of knowing oneself.
Trusting in one’s basic goodness is a principle needing to be known. And
realized as truth; at least an honest assessment of one’s goodness.
Our group of teenagers wrestled with the idea that love is a
constant companion on the journey of life. It changes – both the journey and
love – at many turns along the path. Life is not simple. It is filled with
mysteries that baffle even the most experienced. I know we think our parents
know most everything, but they don’t; neither do I, or you.
We have to work at giving and receiving love. We often take
it for granted this is simple. It isn’t. it is probably the most complex aspect
of life. It works for us or against us depending on our understanding of 'it'.
No wonder so many have recurring bouts of depression and
anxiety over life’s ups and downs; nothing is guaranteed. Nothing is truly safe
and secure. It takes trust and faith to live in a world that is capable of
topsy-turvy changes and adjustments. It takes hard work to prepare for such
things. In the end, however, it yields self-knowledge that allows us to love
our self.
With that we can love others and receive love from them as
well.
This discussion gave me new perspective into the minds of
teen drug addicts. My tentative conclusion: without self-love the person is
adrift in an unending sea of doubt; no wonder drugs and alcohol provide an
easy escape.
When a new girl joining our group for the first time was
asked how and/or why she started taking drugs, her answer was: “I was looking
for another identity.”
Her search for a new identity – or a better one than she
already had – led her to experimentation that took her far afield from her
quest’s objective. Indeed, that began another discussion I had not expected.
Two in the same evening. Two suggesting elusive answers to the mystery of
teenage drug addiction.
Hints at a larger truth? Perhaps we can use them to solve
the problem. Or at least make a start?
November 21, 2017
No comments:
Post a Comment