Think of those souls who have experienced loss of loved
ones, loss of a job – worse, loss of a career – or loss of their home, health
or critical relationships. The latter might just be the greatest number of
loss. You know, an upset in the family in which brothers and sisters are
separated emotionally for many years, or arguments with parents and offspring
grow to titanic proportions and build lasting rifts.
Family rifts. Dysfunction. I’ve had that from time to time
with my brother although I doubt he realizes this. My sister on the other hand
is a champion of the rift. She once absented herself from our brother for well
over 20 years, and from me specifically for 21 years. When she left Illinois
for California, she instructed her friends and apartment mates "not to give
George and Ann my address or phone number. " Period.
Our parents of course were stumped. I was not. I didn’t know
all the reasons but I had correctly pieced the puzzle together eventually. When
my folks finally were able to engineer a reunion of the two of us, sister
claimed to have no knowledge of why I abandoned her! Hmmm. There’s a name for
that; it will remain sealed behind my lips. Nothing to be gained by sharing.
Let it be.
Loss of family connection. Loss of being cared for. Not
always a two-way path, is it? The tragedy forms when one realizes that one
party still cares but has no outlet to express it. Or vice versa, of course.
Dysfunctionality within a family is a curious occurrence but plentiful. It
is legion throughout the globe but all the more a problem because the very
definition of family is connectedness. Whether by blood or long association,
family is a bosom-y thing in which we all sense we belong, are loved, respected
and accepted regardless of our flaws. When that acceptance is lacking the
dysfunction become all the more real. Not virtual but concrete.
We know that in terms of unequal education, social conditioning,
sexual orientation or political ideology. We also experience it financially
although much of that is ideologically based, I think. Age-ism is strangely not
an issue; indeed it is a source of pride and honor. The older you are the more
time-tempered you are and thus respected. For longevity. Imagine!
Among strangers or work associates we seem to find our way
through polite society. We keep the peace. Perhaps because we will spend less
time with these folks than our own families, we manage to exercise diplomacy
when we least want to. In family situations, however, this skill is easily
ignored and we tell Aunt Sally exactly what we think of her!
Some years back I told an aunt of my being gay. I frequently
visited her region of the country on business travel, so we kept the family
ties healthy. One day she admitted that we had a special bond that we could
talk about anything. She honored and relished that aspect of our relationship.
I had known that there was some dysfunction between the aunt and her sister (my
mother), but told her in confidence that I was gay and that mom didn’t know. My
sister and I had struggled over telling mom I was gay and we finally
agreed that mom’s age of over 90 was not a good time to share this private reality
with her. So we didn’t.
But auntie did. It might have been an honest mistake but I
doubt it. The nature of the relationship between mom and auntie was such that
auntie wished a power connection over mom. And this was it: she knew something
about me that mom didn’t.
Well the bond with auntie was dead at that moment. No need
to discuss it. It ceased with an audible snap. How easy the dysfunction is.
Funny thing, no one in that branch of the family has bothered to ask why it is
so. And so the break is real and forever.
Loss of relationship is like loss of innocence. In that
regard we all can feel blue. So the question is have you attended a Blue
Christmas service? I hadn’t. I liked it. It spoke to the shadow regions of my
life where time does not allow exploration. Light helps dispel such shadows.
Even from one little candle.
Blue or not, see hope and light in your life. Speak of it
and live it. It is yours to seek and to have.
May happy holidays be yours this season.
December 23, 2014
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