Body Shape

Well now! A little honesty. I don’t like my body shape. I think about it some. I know I’m lumpy and have flabby bits that are unattractive to others, but are OK by me. In fact they are more than OK; they are part of me and I’m beginning to accept them more than I thought I would.

Now this realization is startling to me. I was always a bit of a narcissist.  I cared if my hair was in place, the part just so, no individual hairs sticking up in odd places. Yes I tried Bryllcream and pomade to glue hair down. I carried a comb everywhere so I could touch up the hair just so after stepping outdoors. I checked out my hair while passing store windows, mirrors and other reflective surfaces. I didn't care if I stepped on a sidewalk crack, but I couldn't pass a window without checking the hair.

Now I’m glad I have hair. And not too bad either!

I don’t have much gray hair, wouldn't mind if I did. It’s a badge of honor these days, I think. I do have an enlarging thin spot. I can even see the shape of my skull under wisps of hair these days. But not as many hairs to stick up in odd places, don’t you know! And that’s a good thing. So, I have enough hair to keep it combed. But I don’t.

The mussy look is in. after all I have enough hair for it to be mussy. And that is a good thing.

The other day I had a hair cut. I asked the barber lady to take off a few inches on top, on the sides, and if she could, remove some of the jowls. She demurred with a weird little chuckle!

A few weeks ago I visited an eye surgeon. One wall of his office was mirrored. And there I was sitting in his examination chair in full view of the mirror. Never had I imagined myself appearing as a Buddha. But there I was. In living color, life sized and obese. Yes obese. Calories cascaded down my sides in blubbering sheets. I returned my gaze to his instruments and gadgets. I was there for my vision, after all, not an assessment of my body shape.

That image, however, stuck with me. Here I am a skinny guy in a fat man’s body. It is difficult to find clothes that comfort me, let alone fit. I’m ordering from an internet catalog firm these days, just to get pants that go around the waist and reach to the floor. The roominess of such garments is over the top. There’s room for two of me! But at least the waist fits.

As I shave or brush my teeth, I am poised naked before the mirror prior to my shower. There are body parts newly visible that have no name. Others more familiar are totally hidden.

How did this come to be?

And no! I do not have a New Year’s resolution to do much about it. I am not happy with my appearance, but I am not dedicated to reshaping it either. What is is. What will be, will be. I have committed to losing weight. So far I've shaved 40 pounds off my frame. Took a couple of years, but there it is. Now I should trim off another 20 pounds and keep it off. Then I can consider trimming another 20 pounds. I suppose I could attempt to take off another 35 but then I would be recalling my youth weight and that would be wrong.

I’m an elderly person. I accept that. That brings new freedoms, you know. Like accepting new weight, wrinkles and gray hairs. Even hairs growing where they have no business doing so. At least I have hair. I don’t like the prospect of going bald. My head shape is a bit odd, you know. I’d rather not contemplate that feature at this time.

So, no resolution to reshape the body. It is what it is and I’m OK with that. But the weight is uncomfortable and tiring. And it hurts to walk and to sit, and to stand. Perhaps another 20 pounds less will improve that? We shall try. Then we shall see.

The rest of it just isn't worth the trouble. I only own one comb now, and I’m not sure where I put it. Improvements come in bits, these days!

January 6, 2015

PS Today would have been my father’s 104^th birthday. He made it to the cusp of 88. Mom will be 101 in February. I can’t imagine such survival!