Communication Family-Style

Talk with family members. Listen to them. Clarify what they say so you are sure you understand their message. By doing so you demonstrate to them you are paying attention.  You don’t have to agree with what they are saying; just understand their point.

When it’s your turn, state your thoughts on the topic. Be sure they are listening to you and understanding your point. They don’t have to agree with you. But if they take the conversation elsewhere, controlling it, maybe even arguing about it, change to safer topics. Do not talk further about the issue at hand unless the other person demonstrates a willingness to proceed calmly.

If no alternative discussion is possible, leave the room, the building, whatever. Nothing you say will register with the other party and both of you will become frustrated and angry.

Communication can be face to face, over the phone, in print by letter or email. The same rules apply. Someone makes a statement. You indicate you understand and feed back a little to demonstrate your understanding. The other party does the same when you make a statement. If there is an argument or hassle in place of communication, cut off the talk immediately. Nothing will be accomplished; only resentment and a platform for future disagreement and argument.

Family members seem to have the most trouble with this. Emotions run close to the surface. Why?  Don’t know, but probably because there is an assumption of understanding and support; when that is absent there is hurt and the need to express it. The fight comes unless the respondent absorbs the attack and deflects it, calms the waters, and continues to discuss the matter logically. Still, emotions can and usually do disrupt the communication.

I’ve watched these interchanges up close for many years. It is easier when the family is not directly yours by blood; there is more room for perspective. There is a chance to understand the players and why they are acting up with each other.

Some families are feisty. They interact with gusto and brashness. For those not used to this style, it is upsetting and disrupting. Good humor usually saves the day, but sometimes that is not possible.

I’ve watched in-law relationships and am stunned at the level of hurt hurled at each other. And at times I’ve been dragged into the fray unwillingly. Still my perspective is probably more realistic than theirs. The older I get, the more I withdraw from the fight unless I’m engaged in making peace between a few combatants.

My own sibling relationships have been frayed for years. Not much direct talk has been engaged to dispel the upset. So it brews beneath the surface for decades. That’s how my family handles it. Very little direct discussion of the topics. Keep the surface calm and mask the disruption to keep the waters calm. Trouble is: rancor and resentment have fertile ground in which to grow and multiply!

My siblings and I were raised as critical thinkers. That should mean that we are able to think on various topics and make reasonable conclusions about their truth and honesty; their representativeness of reality. It does not mean that we are supposed to criticize everyone and everything.

As I get older I fume less. I still fume and rant occasionally but I don’t fly off the handle as quickly as I once did. I also learned that if my siblings aren’t willing to talk calmly about something then it is best to leave it alone. Over the years, we discuss weather in great detail! Not much else of value is talked about. Pity.

I see the same in other families. It’s a pity because they need each other. They care about each other. If they didn’t they would walk away. Completely. At some point, however, building bridges is fruitless. I don’t know who gets to decide that but it may be you if the toll on your serenity is disruptive with no gain toward peace.

The Hatfields and the McCoys is a good model to avoid.

June 20, 2012