Unsettled Feeling

I know, things are going right, I’m busy doing the things I want to do, but something keeps niggling the back of my mind that something is not right. What could it possibly be?

Unsettled. A little distracted. Needing to think or feel something different than what I am right now feeling. What is it? Did I leave a task undone? Is the burner on the stove turned off? The oven? Or maybe the tap in the kitchen sink? No. Checked all of those things.

A quick scan of my desk top – both real and virtual! – and still nothing pops out.

What am I fretting about? And why today when the day’s routine is different and challenging and very interesting? Why this day? Does it have anything to do with this particular day?

I doubt it. No. Unless…unless I wonder/worry that today’s meeting filled with promise will actually disappoint in the end? Will the people truly be committed to accomplish their goal in creating a community center in a low-income area of a run down city? Will they be able to raise energy levels to match the challenges they are certain to meet?

So much is needed to be done in so many communities. So many broken lives and families in need of attention and tender loving care. Will they be up to this work? They say they are but will they be?

Only time will tell. And yes, this may be part of my unsettledness today, but what else lingers in the back of my mind?

I did have a thought yesterday about the narrowing futures some of our fellow citizens have. These are the futures of most aging elders among us. What they had hoped for in years past did not develop in their life stories. Instead they are facing fewer and fewer dreams to fulfill as their days narrow down to very few indeed.

For example, we used to love to take drives into the country where it is under-populated and traffic is sparse. Life is simple there to those of us from urban areas. Have you ever pined for a rural setting when you are currently trapped in a traffic jam in your morning commute? Where did all these people come from, you mumble. Why are they such meek lambs and following the leader into the morass of stopped traffic? Don’t they see they are only making it worse? Peel off on a side street, people! Lessen the jam-up and find an alternate route home or to work.

Yes, I’ve had many of these conversations with myself. Many of them have been shouted at the top of my lungs in a sealed car to vent my frustration! (My family knows this personality trait of mine!)

So rides in the country surrounding a large swath of Chicagoland were frequent for us. Each held a promise to spot an idyllic place within reach of our dreams. Perhaps one day we could live in such a place? Our special Brigadoon?

But as the years pass such Brigadoons are more and more impossible. There isn’t time to build a life that would accommodate them. The interests there are not what we have now in our current neighborhood. Oh yes, the scenery may be more pleasant, the noisy surroundings more quiet, and such as that. But here we have connection with people of all types, projects of deep interest, and work yet to be done. Here our lives and dreams of making a difference live on. Would they ‘there’ in the other spaces we once explored?

Ah yes, the unsettled nature of life when what we once hoped for no longer is the allure. What we want now is more quiet, more order, less confusion, but still meaningful tasks that reward the personhood we still own.

Is it that simple? Narrowing futures make for more focus and meaning?

I have a friend who aged in her home until she needed a serious operation to prolong life. The operation was a success but the aftercare required her to move out of her home and into assisted living. She did. She gave up her beloved dog. She bid farewell to 95% of her personal belongings. She moved into assisted living – a spare room barely larger than her old bedroom at home. But now she has discovered a vibrant social life among fellow residents. They gather in the dining room, one of several lounges scattered about the site, and in the social activity rooms where TV binge watching is well underway, or a Bears game, or the World Series with the Cubs of all things!

Outside of her home of many years she is now finding a social connection she never dreamed of. Who would have thought that?

For the rest of us who remain in our homes the lesson is to frequently leave the home to engage the world. When we return to our homes later we find respite and rejuvenation for the next day’s discovery operation. Fettered vision or narrowing interests? No; just different ones.

Thank God!

November 4, 2016