Heart Sick

As the year comes to a close my mind continues on track to feeling desperately depressed. It is the election that did it for me. But then, Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) also affects me at this time of year. It begins before Thanksgiving, probably about November 5^th when days are noticeably shorter and nights longer. With trees bare of their leaves and lawns beginning to brown for winter’s long night, the entire landscape takes on a barrenness that sucks joy out of our lives; at least mine!

Of course there is the season of expectations we call the Holidays, or Christmas to many. When we were little kids we placed great hope on Christmas for our wish lists to be fulfilled magically. And when some of those wishes went unanswered we became sad, disappointed. So there is this element, too, that adds to the seasonal woes for people like me.

Impending disappointment of the Holidays and SAD are both heavy causes of depression at this time of year. Add to that the joy and happiness of many others that are not shared in all households. The distinction is hard to avoid. And depression is often an outcome of this.

Now add the Trump Presidency about to begin.

You see the problem for people like me? And if you are not one who shares this problem, what is your response? Do you commiserate? Or do you gloat? If the latter you will only add to the problem. Perhaps that is what you wish to do. If so, you deserve our pity.

I thought I would gradually feel better about the election results. I haven’t so far. If anything, my feelings are worse. I have wondered what the specifics of those feelings are. I don’t have a full list yet, but here are some of them.

1. I am gay. I didn’t always know I was gay because I fought it but admitted finally when I was 37 years old. Didn’t do much about it, but another 13 years ended in divorce and gay bachelorhood at 50. Not the best of times to explore one’s universe! I am aware of the efforts to secure gay rights in a hostile nearly all heterosexual culture. But we did gain rights. Now I fear losing them under Trump.
2. I am a supporter of women and their rights as well. Through hundreds of years women’s rights were in question but finally they were secured. Now I fear losing them under Trump.
3. I am a supporter of abortion rights, mainly because I view this as a woman’s right. Now I fear losing them under Trump.
4. Although I support the 2^nd Amendment to bear arms, I do not see that as a right to sell unlimited numbers of guns to anybody who wants them, especially those who are incapable of controlling their instincts to kill. Now I fear losing even more control over guns under Trump.
5. So many important issues in recent years have been settled in the Supreme Court by way of ideological splits. The conservative/liberal power struggle is razor thin and not pretty. The Supreme Court has a key vacancy among its justices. Now I fear losing a reasonable ideological balance on the court under Trump.
6. I believe in democracy but feel collaboration and compromise are the lubricants that make it work. Such has not been present in American government for 16 years. Now I fear hegemony decisions made under Trump.
7. I used to believe in the Electoral College because it has been a part of our amended constitutional form of government for many hundreds of years. But it can be thwarted and has twice since 2000 – the Gore-Bush election and now the Clinton-Trump election. Never has the majority of votes gone to the candidate that did not become inaugurated on January 20, 2017. Now I fear the inequality of the Electoral College especially under Trump.
8. I believe in the melting pot strength of the USA with immigration a joyous addition to our nation’s culture and future. Now I fear losing that under Trump.
9. I am a lover of international relations and the hope it holds for a world at peace with itself. Now I fear losing that hope under Trump.
10. I believe in our nation as one of the people, for the people and by the people. Now I fear that has a radically new meaning under Trump.
11. I believe in educating all of our citizens of whatever age for life-long learning as freely and accessibly as possible. Now I fear losing that possibility under Trump.
12. I believe in free trade among the nations of the earth. Now I fear losing that promise under Trump.
13. I believe in the free practice of religion as long as it isn’t forced down anyone’s throat. Now I fear losing that freedom under Trump.
14. I used to believe in the free press but have witnessed its horrible decline in research and finding of truth. Now I fear losing freedom of the press under Trump.

I could go on but you see the well established pattern from the above. I am heartsick because I worry that so much of our history and national story of equality, logic and fairness will disappear under Trump. I have yet to see any hint that my worries are unfounded. Trump and his supporters are quick to maintain the fears of all of the above.

And I see no loyal opposition readying itself to bring witness to the opposition. This is our birthright in America. Will that be lost as well?

December 29, 2016