Car and Cast

The driver makes his way to pick up two passengers, then the third. They are related – father, mother, son. Son is 34 years old; mom is 71 and dad is 80. They are in trouble. Life vectors them in different directions.

Dad valiantly hangs on to family, doing his duty to nurture and mentor relations and healthy outcomes. Mom engages as best she can with failing short-term memory. The daily saga is a staccato performance without connection to her history or recent context. Son is homeless, jobless, moody and prone to alcohol sprees. Hiding from himself and the world, he pursues a goalless future.

Dad is retired. An attorney by training with a storied career in the past, a once young tennis star with ambitions, a writer and enthusiast to report on sports, politics and the ever-evolving American culture. Broad interests coupled with expressive literary talents, he has ventured into many pursuits to support a large family.

Mom is an actor. She worked in film, TV and stage. Serious roles and supporting ones; commercials, too. A darling of author and playwright Tennessee Williams, she and husband traveled the country with Williams as new material for plays and films were explored. She worked with Robert Redford, Roger Moore and Harrison Ford to name a few bright lights. Her movie and TV credits are many. She was famous in her time, now a woman with a faded past. She is a stimulating conversationalist. Easy to laugh, easy with complex thoughts, she is present in following discussion. She goes blank – ‘Where are we? Why are we here? What’s going on?’ She picks up a conversation but not the one we left. The break is complete.

Dad protects mom diligently. He is devoted to her present and past. He labors to maintain her happiness, her love. He fears she will walk a hall and get lost. He accompanies her everywhere but the bathroom. He naps furtively and quickly lest she wander off. Sleeping the night through is iffy for him; she may get up for a nocturnal bathroom visit and wander out of the apartment. He plans their eating, their daily errands and routines. He tires. He is exhausted. His own health declines with age but there is no time to attend to those matters.

Son is aware of his parents’ issues. He worries over them. He prefers living with them to be a caregiver in their final years. Yet he is unable to manage his own affairs. He is a young man without focused ambition. No career in mind, no education or experience to fuel a successful career. He was a gifted athlete in high school and was recruited to college teams. He dropped out of college fearful of the academic work ahead of him. He was not prepared for such work; athletic field, yes, class, no. Intelligent but not educated. He entered the adult world unprepared for what lay ahead. He failed at most things. Short term jobs with low pay. Nothing much to build a future on. Relationships were much the same. One-night stands, plenty of sex and laughs. Alcohol was a frequent component. Fun was the object; responsibility was out of mind.

Dad and Mom were unhappy in their current housing; senior citizen apartments with supervision and care, along with full food service, nurses in the building and a pharmacy/dispensary. Accredited facility accepting Medicaid payments. Residents mostly with memory loss, wandering the halls, vacant stares and walkers. Mom and Dad detested this warehouse. They wanted an apartment in which to live their own lives. I was asked to help them. I drove them to apartment complexes and explored communities in which they might be happy.

Then the son lost his job, drank himself into a stupor, was taken to hospital. Dad asked me to help transport the son and talk with him. He was not amenable to the attention. Not ready yet for serious dialogue on his state of mind. But without a job, no money and certain to lose his apartment, dad diverted his own apartment rent money to house the son in a motel. Son continued drinking. Visits to the ER became more frequent and urgent.

Finally, without funds, we took him to the local homeless shelter. He was sober for 20 days at the time and he lied to gain entrance to the facility. They took him in. Dad and Mom continued to pay for Uber rides, cigarettes and occasional meals out. I drove. Together we talked and encouraged him to remain sober and look for a job. He did remain sober, found a job within walking distance of the shelter, and began working.

Meanwhile, Dad and Mom remained in their senior housing complex but saved rent payments to support the son in his journey toward health and self-sufficiency. Sobriety peaked at 105 days and working the job for 4 and a half weeks. Then an episode of fearing his boss and co-workers, and he escaped to the motel, hid, drank.

Mom and dad were evicted and moved to the same motel as the son. Now all three were homeless and in need. Dad had money saved to find an apartment but did not make timely decisions about that; his attention was on son and wife.

I continue to drive them places. The conversation is more pointed: son pressed toward mental health assessment and treatment; he agrees, but the services not yet arranged by shelter staff. We hope for this. Meanwhile, dad is pressed to decide on an apartment, any apartment. With declining cash and destroyed credit, it will not be easy to find the next home. We are hopeful.

Their family so far has not come to the aid of these three – a half-brother, three daughters and another son – remain skeptical that the three are strong enough to manage their own affairs. I wonder if they will now insert themselves to help. Or will they muddle things up and force mom to live in a separate facility and dad in another? The son/brother is likely to be institutionalized for a period while professionals weigh his fate.

I labor on the sidelines. I have no training for this sort of drama. Just the caring and availability of time and a car. I wonder how this will play out?

February 12, 2019