Living Losses

This has been a week of surprises. Losses were among them. That’s plural.

One loss was a friend in the community and church. His wife died last December after a difficult but short illness. While in mourning he began to feel poorly and was found to have cancer as well. He died just five months later. His funeral was yesterday.

A friend who has been in addiction rehabilitation for many years for both alcohol and over use of prescription drugs attempted suicide twice in the past 2 weeks. She lives in a home for which I’m now the estate administrator. I have begun eviction proceedings against her for two reasons: the house needs to be emptied and refurbished for sale and she won’t voluntarily leave; and second, the living environment for her is toxic and she needs to find a healthier facility that can tend to her medical and mental health needs. The eviction process has lost me two friends: her and a close friend who has been trying to help her.

The helping friend apologized yesterday for his unkind and emotional retorts to me and I think our friendship has survived. There may be hope for the tenant as well; a thawing of hostilities seems to be happening.

Then there are a host of colleagues who have viewed the eviction transaction with curiosity and wondered if I’m doing the right thing. They, however, are withholding judgment and I think understand the complexity of the issue. So no loss yet. Just the threat of loss.

Then there is the awareness that many friends and colleagues over the years have come and gone from my life. Some through death; others from long distance relocation. Most, however, have been lost merely through the ebb and flow of life’s relationships. There are seasons in which we gather new friends, and while they or I grow and develop, our ways part; not intentional but happenstance. They were very important to my life at key moments; then – a fading away. Not intentional distancing but natural and inevitable. Sometimes we need a relationship with someone just for a while; they have something to share with me; I with them. We are both stronger for the meeting up.

The time to move on is not in our power. It, too, is happenstance. Sometimes, though, we are not prepared for the loss.

Friday night, the youth group chose to discuss grieving. Quickly the talk shifted to the cause of grieving – a sense of loss. Even more quickly tears began to flow as each person shared with the group who they had lost and why that person was a significant part of their life. In some instances it was a grandfather who with wisdom gave room for the kid to grow through a difficult time while the parents were not so understanding. Another case chronicled the loss of a teacher who meant a lot to the student. Another story involved a parish priest who had become a mentor in addition to confessor. A bond was formed that helped both persons but one passed away and left the other mourning.

As we discussed these painful memories the two mature adults (mature because we are over 50!) tried to point out that all of life involves comings and goings of special people in our lives. Some are present for decades while others only months. Some are romantic interests; others are for wisdom; still others are instructive in special skill gathering while others are sources of laughter and enjoyment. So many levels of friendship, of companionship, and of relationship. So many ways to value someone. And when gone from our lives, so many losses to account for.

Mourning is not only for loss through death. It is loss of access, presence and sharing. Loss is the absence of something or someone in our lives. We feel it. But how do we deal with it? The kids talked of their loss of alcohol and/or drugs in their lives. Ceasing the addictions involves a loss. They had used substances to salve wounded souls and escape. Now that is shut off from them. There is a loss to be reckoned with.

The group shared pain with each other. Pain experienced when one realizes the impossibility of return…

During this sharing one fell to sobbing. Mostly guys in the group, a silence grew deafeningly. She apologized; the guys demurred; no, no, this is natural, you should feel free to express it. They expressed their sorrow over her pain. It was a pure moment of eloquent youth!

Pain felt is something learned. There is a balance that is maintained in life. We learned that a few weeks ago. We learn while feeling – pain, gloom, depression, sorrow, glee, laughter – it is all good, all instructive.

Although a tissue laden session, the group parted in a productive mood. All good. It was all good.

Loss. Mourning. Accepting loss and valuing it. They will remain with us, the losses. And one day we will know for certain that it is all good!

June 11, 2013